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The thought of telling another person you have genital herpes can make you
anxious, especially when it’s a person with whom you’d like to be sexually
intimate. But not only can keeping genital herpes a secret from your partner
cause emotional stress, there are health-related issues as well. Just as your
partner may be at risk for genital herpes and needs to be aware of that, he or
she may also place you at risk for other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
So it makes sense to talk to anyone you’re thinking about being sexually
intimate with about your overall sexual health, including genital herpes.
Whether you're newly diagnosed or have had genital herpes for years, it's an
important conversation—one that may help set the relationship on the right
course. The outcome is not completely in your control, but there are things you
can do to help shape the message and the response. Some tips and advice are
provided below. If you would like to view additional information,
click here to view a counseling video. You will hear down-to-earth
advice directly from Terri Warren, a nurse practitioner with many years of
experience treating genital herpes patients.
Step 1: Accept yourself
It's important to consider whether you have come to terms with genital herpes
yourself and have accepted that your life doesn't have to come to a complete
stop once you learn ways to manage your condition. If having genital herpes has
negatively affected the way you see yourself, the best first step may be to
seek support. A trusted friend or counselor might be a great help in thinking
through the issues.
Even if you’ve come to terms with having genital herpes, it's a good idea to
know the facts about the disease and to feel comfortable discussing them. Be
prepared for a range of questions—you may know a great deal by now, but your
partner might not.
Each person will have their own style, but no matter how you decide to tell
your partner, your attitude and your mood can affect how the news is received.
If you’re negative when talking to your partner, you may be more likely to
receive a negative response. So the key is to be straightforward and sincere.
Go in with a positive attitude, expecting your partner to be accepting and
supportive.
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Step 2: Pick the right time
It's usually best to allow a relationship to develop a bit before bringing up
the subject. A conversation about sexual health is going to be easier if you
have begun to feel comfortable with someone and safe about being honest. Your
conversation should occur, however, before you become physically intimate. A
passionate embrace is definitely not the perfect opportunity it might seem to
be. In the heat of a sexually charged moment, discussion of genital herpes and
other STDs can be very awkward and frustrating. Your partner may be angry with
you for putting him or her in that position, and this may color the entire
conversation. It's probably best to discuss the subject before you go on a
romantic getaway.
If you do become interested in someone and begin to feel comfortable in the
relationship, you can prepare yourself and look for logical opportunities to
bring up the subject. A television or newspaper report on sexually related
issues, for instance, might naturally start a conversation about safer sex.
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Step 3: Pick the right place
Many people choose to carefully plan a time and place for the conversation.
Talking to a partner about matters of sexual history works best when both
individuals are feeling good, are relaxed, and can devote their full attention
to the conversation. The place should be private. It could be your own home or
a quiet outdoor setting—anywhere that's relatively free of interruptions.
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Step 4: Know what you’re going to say
Knowing what to say and actually practicing in advance can make things easier
when the time comes. Although every situation is different, there are some
general “rules” to keep in mind:
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Begin the conversation by pointing to the strengths of your relationship. For
example: "I really feel I can trust you, and I'd like to tell you something
very personal. Last year I found out I had genital herpes." Or: "I really enjoy
being with you, and I'm starting to feel very safe with you. I want to be more
intimate in the future, so I think it's time we talk about safer sex."
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Keep things in perspective. Stress that genital herpes is a common viral
infection and that there's medication available to treat it. Let the person
know that, even while on treatment, it may be possible to spread genital
herpes. Then discuss the precautions that should be taken to help reduce the
risk of spreading. Many people like to make a comparison to cold sores. For
example: "Have you ever had a cold sore or a fever blister? The reason I ask is
that cold sores are caused by a type of herpes simplex virus. I have this
virus—only for me, instead of causing sores on the lips, it can cause them
below the waist."
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Don’t be overly dramatic. Try to be calm and confident, straightforward, and
sincere. Don’t go on at great length. You want a discussion, not a lecture or
confession.
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Step 5: Be flexible
Some people may need time to process what you've said. Others may want to learn
more about genital herpes. You have everything to gain from helping to provide
information. You can also give a partner helpful
resources such as Web sites or hotlines. Whatever the reaction, try to
be flexible. Remember that it took you time to adjust to the news as well and
that the first response is not always the one that counts.
Also, remain open to the possibility that the person you're talking to may
actually have genital herpes. Remember that almost 90% of people
infected with the disease have not been diagnosed and are unaware of their
condition. This may not be something you would bring up initially, but if you
do, handle this in a sensitive way and make sure the person knows that you
aren't accusing him or her of withholding information from you. If the
relationship progresses, your partner may want to get
tested for genital herpes.
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Hopefully, your partner will react well. After all, you trust him or her enough
to share a confidence that you probably wouldn't share with just anybody. Most
people respect that. And in talking about safer sex, you've shown maturity in
facing up to a health issue of mutual importance for any two people. You have
confronted a difficult issue in your life with courage and consideration. Even
if the other person decides not to pursue the relationship with you after
hearing that you have genital herpes, try not to let it get you down. It just
means that he or she isn't the right person for you.
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There are a few things you can do to relieve genital herpes symptoms.
Talk to your healthcare provider. Click here to learn more. |
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